Aussie Jokes (MWHAHAHAHA)

[Dr Phil]

A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, "You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way."

The farmer was nonchalant in response. "Yep, we breed them here."

"But why?" asked the motorist.

"Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg."

"And what do they taste like?"

"Dunno", replied the farmer, "No one can catch the little bastards."



An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal . On his first night his obiliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where he is given a choice of women. He retires to a room, climbs aboard and give his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves. On his way out he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic, aboslutely brilliant. But tell me one thing- on every downstroke , she'd scrunch up her face and yell 'WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !, It was amazing Tell me what does it mean ? " The madam seems embarrassed, but manages to tell the man that the word means " Very Good" .

Happy the man goes to his hotel. The next day his hosts take him golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese host hits an amazing drive down the middle of the fairway which bounces twice on the green and trickles into the cup for a perfect ace. The Australian businessman turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !"

His hosts turns and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole ?"


I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Vomit:

"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"F**ked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"you got a head like a busted watermelon"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."


Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel. It's his first time in Europe.

The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola,would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the previous two and runs away! Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.

She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bruce said: "I just asked if I can pay in Australian Dollars".

[Dr Phil]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good .... well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and
needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!






There was a disco at a local university and a fella asked a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and said, "In Australia, we call this a hug."

"Yaah," she replied. "In Sveden, we call it a hug, too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and said, "In Australia, we call this a kiss."

"Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss, too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to root her.

Lying together afterwards, he turns to her and grins, "In Australia, we call that a grass sandwich."

"Yah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it."






Duct Tape Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."






Attention Refugees



If you are currently suffering religious, racial or ethnic persecution or even financial hardships and are considering Australia as your destination, please consider the following:

1. Although Australia is a large continent, only small parts of it is actually worth living in and believe it or not these areas are already full of people.

2.The vast majority of the country is uninhabitable due to the large number of poisonous snakes,spiders and man eating crocodiles.

3.Due to the hole in the Ozone layer, you cannot live in the sun unprotected for more than 15 mins and sunscreen costs exceed 40% of the average Australian wage.

4.Australia is in the process of beefing up their defence forces, F111 fighter bombers, Orion coastal patrol aircraft and F/A 18 aircraft all scour our oceans looking for your ships, while the world renowned and feared Collins class submarines are the invisible death lurking undetectable beneath our seas.


NEW ZEALAND WOULD BE A MUCH MORE SUITABLE PLACE TO GO

1.The land mass is virtually devoid of any population, most came to Australia years ago, unlike Australia, there's plenty of room!

2.During the last 1000 years or so any dangerous animal larger than a Pea has gone extinct from the Island, the Friendly Native Maoris have eaten them all.

3.The wonderful climate of New Zealand ensures clouds preserve you from the effects of dangerous UV radiation.

4.The New Zealand Defence force is currently in the process of selling its remaining Tiger Moth biplane, Bill and Wazza of the New Zealand Navy have taken their tin Dinghy and quit. Sailing into New Zealand is simplicity itself!

The beautiful scenery, The Maoris peaceful and friendly nature, promiscuous sheep and the Joys of living in a first world country where water and power is available almost 80% of the time!

Any currency you bring with you will instantly boost you to levels of wealth you never expected as New Zealand's exchange rate with your county of origin is bound to be favourable!


Read some testimonials:

Amatoli Hizradda: "At first I had my heart set on Australia, but with the 50 Drachmas change I had in my pocket, I've purchased a large farmhouse and 2000 sheep!"

Pong pen VNeue: " I'd never heard of New Zealand and when I got here I found no Triads or gangs to hold me ransom, so I started one!"

Slobodan Milosovich:" I was suffering great hardships in my country due to United Nations persecution, I'm safe here in New Zealand as the UN doesn't even know it exists.

(THIS ONE I WOULD ADD CAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY)

[Dr Phil]

SAVE THE BOGAN (maximumus tightblackjeanus withmulletus)

First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's outer suburbs) and the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney). It is believed the initial Perth bogan population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Rockingham and Balga. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Gosnells and outer-Mirrabooka. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early O90s onwards. The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Central Perth, and those remaining clinging to the region's outskirts.

In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered. Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hindlimbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles. Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the color is usually "stonewash". In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of demin to just below the genital area, resulting in a 'cut-off' effect. Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called 'ugh-boots.'

While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional 'shopping malls', where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds. After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known 'Taverns' where they consume large amounts of a liquid called 'Bourbon.' There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogans population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased 'cargo pants' and attempted to integrate themselves in Perth's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated. Authorities will have a better idea of bogan numbers early next year when Bogan elders AC/DC visit Perth for a concert at the Burswood Dome, home to other Bogan-centric pursuits such as Supercross, Big Wheel truck racing and the Motor Show. At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts included the development of a new artificial habitat named 'Joondalup', but is seems this area may be too close to Perth to attract large numbers of the species. More successful is an enclosed breeding program called 'V8 Supercars', which takes place annually at the Barbagallo Raceway complex in Wanneroo. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality.






A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "What the hell!" the tourist cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"








Basic Guide To Aussie Life




1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

[sander]

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."

lmfao,,,,,,, great!!

[glen]

some funny stuff there m8 lol

[Louie]

I'm lovin it, if anyone has more lets here them

[Dr Phil]

alright them mate ill put some more up later on tonight when i have some time

[middo]

no comment ... or if i was in New Zealand i would say no cummunt ...

[Byrnsie_13]

An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal . On his first night his obiliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where he is given a choice of women. He retires to a room, climbs aboard and give his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves. On his way out he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic, aboslutely brilliant. But tell me one thing- on every downstroke , she'd scrunch up her face and yell 'WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !, It was amazing Tell me what does it mean ? " The madam seems embarrassed, but manages to tell the man that the word means " Very Good" .

Happy the man goes to his hotel. The next day his hosts take him golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese host hits an amazing drive down the middle of the fairway which bounces twice on the green and trickles into the cup for a perfect ace. The Australian businessman turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !"

His hosts turns and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole ?"

lmfao that one is great

[Dr Phil]

Some More. Sorry Ive Taken Ages To Get Them Up But Ive Been Busy With My Army Enrolment